Create with Spirit

Who Does She Think She Is?

Just heard about a new film called Who Does She Think She Is? Created by Pamela Tanner Boll, the film tells the story of five artists who are also women and mothers, and how they try to honor their creative process as much as taking care of their families. All artist mothers are up against enormous pressure in our culture and society. There is a paradigm in our society that if you are making art and taking time to honor your own creativity, then someone else is losing something. Women are trained to give of themselves first, and then think of their own needs when everyone else is taken care of.

I haven't seen the film yet, but I have read reviews of it and watched the extra-long trailer and it has already brought tears to my eyes.

Here is the shorter trailer (a longer one can be seen on the site):

I'm especially struck by the quote: "I feel like I'm lost in the woods and I'm all alone, with no companions, and I hear wolves." That is often how I feel as an artist, and I'm not even a mother! I am in AWE of women who manage to take care of their families and get into the studio. It's really incredible. I rarely allow myself the time to create as it is - how will I do it as a mother?

I think this movie is a must-see for all creative people, female and male alike!

Who is the Coolest?

My Dad, that's who. This is him in 1962, the coolest one in the photo, wearing shades and sporting one of his "experimental beards" according to my Mom. She thinks they are in the University at Buffalo, State University of New York English Department.

I'm sorry, but all those other dudes look kind of square (or "cakey" back in the day). The ladies look pretty hip though.

Bodycasting with Soul

If you ever have a chance to do a workshop with Kaleo & Elise Ching, do it! I was lucky enough to take several classes with them at John F. Kennedy University and my art changed drastically after I learned how to make plaster body casts.

Kaleo just sent out a message to let us all know that he has posted photos of many of the pieces that have come out of his classes on his flickr page. I was surprised to see myself and my cast arms pop up!

It's delightful to see so many amazing pieces. What gift Kaleo and Elise are to the world!

Re-Initiation into Dream Theater

I've been participating in a great conversation on Beth Patterson's blog about Dream Theater. Beth and many others were part of a wonderful experience we got to share at San Damiano Retreat Center a few weekends back.

I've been hesitant to share my Dream Theater experience in detail because it really was so intense and powerful, but the decision I came to (as I normally do in these situations) is that sharing my truth and my experience is helpful and inspiring to others and it does not take away from the power for me (although I am aware that there is some spiritual debate about that in dream and shamanic circles).

If you read the comments section on Beth's post (also known as Sista Mud!), she has a great description of Dream Theater, so I will refer you to that if you don't know what I am talking about.

It's so hard to talk about dreams and dreamwork sometimes.  It is often not "speech-ripe" as my father likes to say.  It's also hard to narrow down "the beginning" of the story. I'm reminded of that Tom Waits'  live introduction on his album Big Time: Well, listen. We're gonna have to go all the way back to the Civil War. This dream story feels ancient and circular - no beginning and no end.

But this is a blog! Meant to entertain and inspire and it is, by it's nature, a linear format, so here goes:

I had this dream the morning of March 12, 2008. I call it Tattooed Hands.

I'm driving up a steep hill [just like in San Francisco, which I did learn to drive on] in an old VW bug from the 60's. I'm with my Uncle John. I have to slow way down because there is another car in front of us that is going really, really slowly. I am getting more and more pissed off because I cannot keep the car in gear and we keep stalling. John puts his hand on my knee and says, "I know that guy. He's having a hard time." My attitude immediately shifts to empathy for the man in front of me.

We stop the car and get out, because honestly, it's faster to walk at this point. John disappears and I begin to walk up the hill, which has turned into a mountain. The path starts to get muddy and I realize that I am walking the path of a pilgrimage. There are brown-skinned women - they look Mestizo or Mayan - flanking both sides of the path. They are dressed completely in white.

I realize that I am essentially "cutting in line." These women are on the pilgrimage too and they are waiting, whereas I am walking on the muddy path.  I feel bad, but I can feel good energy coming from these women - they want me to keep walking.  At one point I slip in the mud and fall flat on my face, and no one helps me up, yet I still feel nothing but encouragement from them.

I get to the top of the mountain and there are older women in a circle. I realize that they are here for me. They have been waiting for me. I walk to the center of the circle and one-by-one they walk up to me and take various parts of my body. Holding my hand, or elbow, or ear, they "divine" my future. But they are speaking a native language that I do not understand. I notice that their hands are elaborately tattooed in blue ink. It's a square Aztec kind of design and it is breathtakingly beautiful against their dark skin and white robes.

I realize that I am supposed to be blind, but I am not. I try closing my eyes, to pretend that I am blind, but the overwhelming sensation in my body is almost too much to bear. It feels like nausea and it feels like I am spinning out of control and then I wake up.

The night of May 2, 2008, I was at the Mercy Center, doing another dream workshop with my Father and I woke up with the memory of this dream and a feeling of urgency to work with it in some way. I ended up staying up most of the night drawing on my hands in blue ink and taking photos with my cell phone. 

I had a lot of insights that night about my creative life and how I would like to make more time for ritual and ceremony in my life.

Flash forward to the weekend of the San Damiano workshop. I found out that we were going to do Dream Theater and this dream popped into my head with a solid BANG! I felt bad about putting my name in the hat to be chosen because I was a Teaching Assistant and didn't have to pay go, as others did. But my soul kept asking that I write my name down. When I started to fill out the slip of paper, the pen that was given to me, didn't work. "It's a sign!" I thought. "I'm not supposed to work today." The man who later played my Uncle John in the dream theater experience asked me what was wrong. "My pen doesn't work. It's a sign..."  He said, "Yeah. A sign that you need a new pen!" and handed me a new pen. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

So I got to share my dream with everyone and use the Dream Theater process. Everyone present got to play various parts of the dream.

In Dream Theater, people play different parts of the dream (both animate and inanimate objects) and then the Dreamer has the option to shift in and feel what it is like to be that part as well.  It's a very Gestalt kind of technique and it is amazing how visceral things can feel when I pretend to be "mud" or "the beginning of the path."  I again, refer you to Beth's comments on her post, describing what it felt like to be the mud that I fall into.  Amazing!

So what was my experience like?  Honestly, it was one of the most intense and transformational experiences I have had in many years. I was very moved by falling into Sister Mud and feeling how deeply I was held, even though I had fallen down. I learned that falling down is part of the process of transformation. It's not about being perfect and walking the path with no injury or pain. It's about falling down and getting back up again and continuing on. And it's about knowing that Mother Earth is most definitely here for me. She will hold me whenever I need her.  I just have to go lay down on the ground or even, let myself fall.

When Sister Mud and I changed places, I got to feel how amazing it is to be mud! To be rich, living earth! I also had a moment of feeling how powerful and joyful the Earth is. Growing up in the 70's and being around very hard-core environmentalists (and being quite conscious of the earth myself), I was used to a paradigm of the earth being a victim. Like the Earth was going to get so hurt at some point that she would die or break. But when I embodied Mother Earth in that moment, I felt strong and powerful and not like a victim at all. In fact, I felt this very visceral truth that all the digging and mining and poisoning that is happening to the Earth doesn't actually hurt her at all. It's all interaction and she loves interaction of any kind. There is no good or bad in her consciousness.  Now of course, this doesn't mean that I'm going to go around telling people to do whatever they want to the Earth because she likes it all. I got the distinct message that no matter what, the Earth will be fine, but people are going to die off very soon, if we keep things up the way we have been going.

I also learned to really honor my slowness.  After the Mercy Center retreat, when I stayed up all night drawing on my hands and taking photos(!) I came home energized and excited about my life and immediately got incredibly sick. I was so angry that I was sick. I couldn't believe God would knock me down when I was feeling so good. But now I realize that the dream is also coming to tell me that slowing down, just like falling down, is also part of the journey.  Sometimes I am that man in the car in front of me who is having a hard time, and that is OK and natural and will pass.

The divination part of the Dream Theater was amazing. There really are no words for that aspect. All I can say is that I feel intimately connected to every person involved. All the women who blessed me into what I can only say now is some kind of womankind earth ministry. And the two men present, who spun me around, to give me the feeling of dizziness but really succeeded in keeping the woman playing nausea at bay and supporting me when I felt too dizzy.  The spinning actually kept me upright, whereas if they had stopped, I surely would have fallen down.

And yes, oddly enough, no one played the tattoos on the hands. I would be curious to know what they represent, although one wonderful person pointed out that the Aztecs often sacrificed the best healers and if the ritual felt anything like that blessing/divination/re-initiation that I felt, I would have happily given my life at that moment. Tear out my heart! Eat it with hot sauce! Devour me!

So there is my experience of Dream Theater. I highly recommend it to anyone who has the chance to do it. It's incredible to be the dreamer, but it is almost as powerful to participate in someone else's dream.

I'm considering doing a Dream Theater Group soon, so be sure to e-mail me for more information.  Thanks for making it to the end of this long post!  

Memorial Drive with Mom

Recently I posted about my Grandmother's memorial service. My Mom just sent me some great pictures of our journey and it inspired me to share a little more about the trip.

It was my Mother's Mother who passed away and together, my Mom and I drove to Newport Beach, Oregon to facilitate the memorial service.

I love this photo of my Mom and I driving in our sassy rental car.

We stayed at my favorite place to say in Newport, Oregon - The Viking Cottages & Condos in historic Nye Beach. We stayed here on the last Thanksgiving we spent with my Grandmother. Nye Beach is a special beach for me because I loved going there as a kid and my other Grandmother's ashes are spread there.

The rooms all have one solid wall of windows facing the beautiful ocean. Just dwelling in that light was amazing. Here is a picture of me enjoying our room:

I haven't traveled or shared a room with my Mother in I don't know how long. We had a great time! My Mom and I usually have a good time together, but considering we were burying her mother, I was worried that things would be a lot more crazy and hectic then they actually turned out to be. I love it when that happens!

One new thing I learned was that my Mom really, really likes Starbuck's coffee.  We drank a lot of it. She, of course, drank only decaf, but I still drink coffee with caffeine so I developed quite a habit on that trip! Here is me being very activated, holding my drug of choice. Check out our life-saving kitchen in the background.

On our way out of town, we stopped in to visit my Grandmother's freshly dug grave. I was afraid that I was going to be totally freaked out, but there was something so soothing and beautiful about that turned over dirt. I always thought I would want to be cremated, but now that I have visited my very first(!) burial plot, I most definitely want to be buried. I'd like to be buried directly into the earth, which can now happen, thanks to the wonderful Green Burial Movement. I also recently had a dream about the powerful healing of being in the earth - but that's for another post!

There she is, right under Ida Chance, who died in the early 1800's. She is in the oldest part of the cemetery under some gorgeous, old trees. I took a little handful of dirt to take home and it now sits on one of my altars, next to my other Grandmother's ashes.

I shared in my earlier post about the rocks we used in the memorial service and how my Mother and I then placed them on my Grandmother's grave.  Here is my Mom placing hers:

I am so thankful for this experience. Who knows when my Mom and I will get to take another trip - just the two of us.  It was a really special time and a really special journey. It is yet another wonderful gift that came out of the tragedy of my Grandmother's passing. Amazing how life works!

True Love

My parents - hanging out and having a good time in 1968.  They still look at each other like that!

Lorraine Catherine Messing Kunigisky - R.I.P.

My grandmother, Lorraine Catherine Messing Kunigisky, passed away last week at the age of 89 years. Being her granddaughter was no bed of roses, but I learned a lot from her and have inherited her stubbornness, her sharp sense of humor and her love of creating and nature.

I have just returned from an intense but wonderful journey with my mother to South Beach, Oregon to lay my grandmother to rest and to meet and mourn with my family.

My uncle Dean asked me to hold the "spiritual" space for the family and I gladly obliged. As I was pondering what kind of ritual to do for my Grandmother, this wonderful idea popped into my head.

I went to the craft store and purchased some beautiful, smooth, brown river rocks. I then drew a golden spiral on each one.

After awhile, I had a giant pile of spiraled stones which I brought to the memorial service. I shared with my family and my Grandmother's friends why I chose to draw this spiral on all the stones. I wanted us all to remember that the circle is unbroken (as the old song says) and that even though Lorraine is no longer among the living, her spirit lives on in all of us - not just in our bodies and our blood, but in the stories we tell about her.

We held the memorial service in my Grandmother's house, because that's where she liked best to be and it is filled with her art and her vision of the world.

I learned so much about my Grandmother in that circle. As we sat and shared stories, I learned more about the store she opened in Niagara Falls, NY called Piquant. She sold some wild and beautiful things in that store and sadly, Niagara Falls in the 1960's was not ready for such cool and wild art!

She is also the first person in my life to not be cremated and she actually purchased a burial plot in the Eureka Cemetery in Newport, Oregon.  My mother and I went to her burial place, where the earth was still raw and wet.  It was a very powerful moment for me to look at this "freshly dug" grave and know that my Grandmother's shell of a body was lying just beneath.

Many people took the stones I created home with them, to remember Lorraine by - but those that were left I put on her grave. So the stones that soaked up the power of our circle can now be a part of her grave. 

All in all, a very powerful experience.

And I am so thankful to have re-connected with my cousins, whom I have not seen or talked to since I was about 12 years old.  We are all part Lithuanian on my Grandfather's side. Here is a photo of us all together:

(top row) My Uncle Dean, My Aunt Karen, My Cousin Chris, My Cousin Rich, My Mom
(bottom row) My Aunt Marjorie, My Cousin Trina, Myself and my Nephew Nathan

Self-Portrait

My Mom just sent me a scan of a self-portrait I made when I was 8.

My shoes really crack me up.

As do my very large hands (perfect for making?) I was careful to make sure I had five fingers - even if it meant adding one extra to my left hand.

This also seems like a very mature outfit for an 8-year-old. I did like dressing up a lot.

Crafting Companions

In the Dream Art Group I am facilitating, we do an Art Check-In every week.  One of my intentions with this is to integrate art-making into our daily lives.  In the past, I have facilitated workshops where the art is made during the group time, and while that is also a very powerful experience, I found myself disappointed when I noticed that the art-making wasn't happening after the group had completed.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love making things...but having an art assignment every single week is pretty intense!  I'm really getting pushed in new ways.  Here are some really powerful things I have realized:

• Making art can and should be as important as going the gym, feeding myself and kissing my husband.
• When I make time for art every week, it becomes a lot easier to drop down into that creative space - and the results are that I feel more grounded in all aspects of my life.
• My dreams LOVE it when I make art in response to them.  My dreams have become richer and more powerful.
• We've only been meeting for 5 weeks and I am already amazed at all the new art in my house that I have made!

The last couple of weeks I have been making these little goddess dolls. The first week, I made them out of cloth. I used some old fabric I had lying around and I filled them with rice and lavender, as I HATE the toxic batting that craft stores sell to fill dolls with.  I also embroidered them and added little crystals on some of the chakra points.  I don't know why I made these dolls - I was just following my creative intuition, which is what I do every day, in some way.

The next week, I decided I wanted to continue with this goddess figures, but I wanted them to be more sturdy.  The cloth dolls felt too floppy.  For some reason, I wanted something I could hold firmly in my hand. 

The next little goddesses I made were created out of Sculpey.  I love Sculpey.  I grew up with my father making Fimo creatures.  I remember him making lots of little characters for his Dungeons & Dragons game and I also remember a face of Jesus hanging on the front door of our house with a cartoon bubble over his head (also made of Fimo!) that said "Love Your Enemies!"  I remember him sitting with his X-Acto knife, cutting out tiny black letters to put on that white background.  It was meticulous! The Jesus face also had tiny drops of blood and a tiny crown of thorns.  Now that I have worked with a similar medium, I am astonished at the amount of detail he crafted with those characters!

The other issue with having a week to make a piece of art, is that I often don't have time to be that meticulous.  I usually only have one afternoon to really get into making (I have 3 jobs!), and I usually want to get my general concept completed, with the intention to get more detailed later.  That time to get more detailed doesn't seem to ever come (I guess with all things that are important to me, I have to MAKE that time!). 

So this past week, I used Sculpey (I prefer it to Fimo, it's easier for me to use - it stays softer longer) and I made some solid, little goddess characters.  The first one I made seemed to have a long tail like a sperm.  Why am I making little Goddess Sperms?  The next one was a flat triangle shape and the third one was a little round lump with tiny breasts.  The third one is very satisfying to hold. 

At this point, I finally realized why I might be making these funny little creatures.  I recently had a terrible experience while pregnant.  My husband and I have been taking a break while I heal, both physically and emotionally, and we finally feel ready to start trying again in earnest - this week in fact! I still have a lot of fear around what could happen this time, and I realized that I was tapping into a very ancient place in myself and making little fertility/pregnancy totems.

Archaeologists have been finding little Goddess figures for many years.  Their original purposes will never really be known, but when I have looked at them in museums and books, they have a very voluptuous, fertile feeling to me (like the Venus of Willendorf).  Many of the replicas are very satisfying to hold. I realized that I am making my own versions of these little figures.  Perhaps to help us get pregnant? Perhaps to be angels and guides watching over us so we don't have another painful loss of a pregnancy? Perhaps to hold on to when I am giving birth?  I don't really know, but they make me very happy.

I have put them next to our bed, so they can watch over us.

 

I think I am going to make more this week.  We shall see what new goddesses I create.  I found some stone-colored Sculpey and some excellent new face molds!

What are you making this week?

Past Lives in the New Age

This past Sunday, my husband and I went to the New Living Expo (formerly the New Age Expo). Normally, I really shy away from events like this because

a) Crowds completely overwhelm me
b) Some of the stuff that is "sold" at these events really pushes the limit for me.

But my husband is thinking about creating a new business and wanted to do some research, and I wanted to connect with someone regarding past life exploration.

I've always been interested in past lives and their affects on this current life.  I often have really vivid dreams that invoke another time and place, and often have an historical piece of information that can be tracked back to actual waking life history.

I have also had some strange experiences, including seeing the film "Platoon" in the movie theater and having to leave in the middle of it to go stand in the lobby because it invoked such a horrible "memory" for me, of being a triage doctor on the front lines and being forced to saw people's legs off to save their lives.  Now mind you, I was 12 years old when that film came out, so it was me and several Vietnam Vets in the lobby, freaking out and trying to hold it together. I remember wanting to go sit with them and talk about the feelings I was having, but I knew that wouldn't be received too well.

Now, you can imagine how many psychics, clarivoyants, auric readers, etc. were present at this event.  My husband and I cruised the whole place, making sure I could make an informed decision. I immediately ruled out the "flashy" psychics (some of them literally had flashing neon signs in their booth!) and focused more on the "feeling" I got when I walked by a booth.  It was interesting to feel how differently each person felt!  Some felt very "aggressive" in the sense that they knew I was tuning into them and they didn't like it(?) and some felt very "empty" like they couldn't handle being in such a big crowd and had totally turned off.

I ended up choosing one of the larger booths that had a whole series of psychics sitting in folding chairs, waiting for clients to sit down. There were only two booths like that - The Aesclepions and the Berkeley Psychic Institute (BPI).  Now I have had bad experiences with both these organizations(!) but the experience with the Aesclepions was minor compared to BPI so I went with the Aesclepions.

A very kind man sat me down in front of a woman, who felt very good, energy-wise. She had me say my full name three times and we were off!

She had some interesting things to say about past lives that are affecting this life. Apparently I have had many past lives, but these certain four were "limiting" my soul in this life.

The first one she told me about was my life as a Mongolian tribesman.  I was part of a tribe, whose focus was horses and for a long time we lived an idyllic, easy life.  But then some invaders came and killed my whole family and destroyed most of my tribe. I escaped and lived as a loner nomad for the rest of my days.

She said that this fear of being attacked has stayed with me very deeply. I spend a lot of my life hiding, and making sure I am safe. Being a young girl in the 70's, my Mom taught me a lot about self-defense and to always be aware of my surroundings.  I was always the girl at the party who knew where all possible emergency exits were.  I am also very protective of my home and my "tribe" - my family.  But then, isn't everyone?

The second life she told me about was my life as a Russian war doctor, in a time before penicillin was invented (there are more wars than I can count that could pertain to this). In this life, I cried out to God that I never, ever wanted to be a doctor in war-time again because I didn't have the right tools and resources to save these young lives.  This may be where my "Platoon" flashbacks were coming from?

She said that I have great gifts as a healer, but I am scared to use them and feel like I did in that Russian life. I do have some gifts in that department and studied shamanic practices of various tribes in my life, but I was always very frightened by the idea of taking someone's pain into my body.

The third life is the most mundane, as far as trauma goes, and yet it made me the most frightened and furious when I heard about it.  In this life, I am a wealthy woman who has been arranged to be married. I am excited because it is my best friend, but without my knowledge he has changed his mind and committed himself to someone else.  I end up marrying the man who always loved me but I never gave the time of day.  He loved me deeply and I loved him to the best of my abilities, but my heart still belonged to this schmuck that married someone else (apparently he had a "terrible marriage" and I felt vindicated by that?).

The part that filled my face with heat and rage was when she said that this man I wanted to marry slapped me in public. Apparently that was a very bad thing in the Hindu culture (and still is, I'm sure).

She said in this life that I don't love my husband with all of my heart(!) and I am distracted by another man who does not love me in the same way.  Now this was definitely true of past relationships, to be sure, but I love my husband with all my heart.  My head turns when I see a cute guy on the street, and I have little crushes on friends, but I love my husband far beyond a silly crush. 

The last life was apparently "hiding" from us.  It did not want to be seen or acknowledged. At this point, she had gone twice as long as any of the other psychics and the nice man who seated me came up and touched her shoulder and told her it was time to stop. She said she would "send me a dream" about this life. I'm not sure if I received it, but I did dream of a dynamic little baby last night.

In this life, she told me quickly, I was incredibly psychic and clairvoyant. I was so sensitive in fact, that I couldn't function very well in real life and died very early. This life was very, very frightened to be seen and that desire to "not be seen" is very prevalent in my current life.  I do resonate with that a bit.  I have known that I have had deep clairvoyant gifts and I have been very frightened to use them because of how overwhelming it is to feel them.

I remember being a little kid in the grocery store line and I stared at the man in front of us, because I was bored.  I started to feel this overwhelming sense of despair, like I wanted to kill myself or kill my feelings quickly (the guy was buying mass quantities of booze).  I was only about six years old, so those feelings were pretty foreign to me.  He turned around and looked at me and it felt like I had been slapped across the face.  I started crying and my Mom couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

She used to say that I was so sensitive that I was "disabled."  So I blocked it out. 

Perhaps it is time to explore those gifts again...who knows?

And yes, I do take this all with a huge grain of salt.  I really look at it all as a dream.  It could all be true, or not, but it is still interesting to think about!

After she described each past life to me, she "cleared" it.  Apparently these past lives can be cleared energetically and by the way we live our life and you need both to clean it away.  I think this might be what karma is. She said it was easy to clear them, except for that sneaky clairvoyant at the end.  I guess I have more work to do with her!